I only go into Paperie & Co. if David is up for me having a party. I have NEVER gone in there without buying invitations and hosting a party. Once I bought a dress and didn’t have any place to where it so I threw a party.

But the craziest party I ever had was when I was thirteen. I threw a funeral for summer. Yes, I hosted a funeral. I did NOT want to go back to school. I hated my middle school years. Hate is a strong word, and it’s a strong emotion, as David likes to say.

What does it say about me that my teenage angst fueled parties instead of dying my hair?

I dressed in black and wore a widow’s veil. I invited my friends and their parents over as well as family and neighbors. We started by burying a summer time capsule with ticket stubs and pictures of all the fun things we’d done that summer. My brothers and their friends did a cap gun salute and buried the box. Two neighbor ladies sang Amazing Grace.

Then we had a wake. It was fabulous. Everyone brought a dish and we had an awesome pool party.

And yeah, I had to go to school the next day. My parents were so great to let me have that party. The next year they let me homeschool.

Hmm…maybe when David is feeling really well he’ll let me have a remission party…

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Send an evite that features a wine theme when you don’t plan to serve wine. (Yes, I did this. I didn’t realize it was a flash invitation okay? All I saw was the bit that said, “Good friends go with everything.”)

Don’t let anyone bring anything. Or when people offer to bring a side dish tell them to bring the steak for your Surf ‘N Turf party. Don’t let anyone help by filling glasses with ice or lighting candles. Be a martyr. Make them watch as you clarify butter and peel potatoes.

Have only one meal that you serve when company comes. You’ll perfect the dish, but repeat guests (and your family) will be sick of it.

Forget to clean the guest bathroom. Also, don’t put extra toilet paper, air freshener or a plunger in there. I mean, come on. Your guests are here to get away from it all, including reality. No one would ever stink up your guest bathroom. Oh, and be sure to stick all your junk and clutter in your guest tub and draw the shower curtain. No one ever looks behind the shower curtain. (You’d be amazed at how many people do this.)

Ask guests to arrive for a dinner party at 7, but don’t serve the meal until 10, like Jan on The Office.

Put all the food and drinks on one table for a buffet. A big long line is fun, especially if you just need a refill!

Leave the TV on. The game is certainly more important than family or friends.

Insist on doing the dishes as soon as the meal is finished. Don’t do them later when your guests are gone.

For overnight guests, be sure to make a lot of noise in the morning. Be like Brother #2 and make a pizza at midnight! I’m not kidding. He really did. And don’t have any Diet Coke (or coffee) ready for breakfast.

Do you have any suggestions for how women can be bad hostesses?

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