When are you going to have a baby?
4 Jun
As every married couple knows, people ask you, “When are you going to have a baby?” all the time. Every week at church. At every wedding, baptism or baby dedication you attend. When you buy a house. When you hold a baby or play with a child. Someone’s bound to ask.
You want to know the truth?
The truth is, David and I love children. Absolutely adore our nieces and nephews. We look forward to our week to work in the church nursery, and we have a blast teaching a Sunday School class for three year olds.
Honestly? We’d have a baby right now if we could. But we can’t.
With our chronic illnesses and all our medications, we are currently physically capable. It’s very difficult being told you cannot have children until you’re healthier. And the doctors have no idea when that will be. It could be a month. It could be a year. It could be ten.
Adoption is not an option. With our poor health, we wouldn’t even qualify to adopt. Plus, I can’t take care of David and a baby. We truly cannot have children until we’re healthy.
We’re not really worried about children. Yet. We’ve still got plenty of time, and hopefully, we’ll be healthy enough to have children before long. Most days, I’m so focused on David getting better that I don’t even think about having children. It’s just every now and then, I’ll read something, or see a stupid commercial on TV, and I’ll feel my eyes well up.
David’s pretty funny about it. We were in a toy store shopping for our nieces and nephews several months ago. We saw lots of cool toys that weren’t around when we were little, as well as toys that we remembered having fun with. As we were leaving David said, “We need to hurry up and have kids so we can buy all this cool stuff!”
Of course, he also said our dog Henry was going to help us raise our children. He said he’d get a basket we could strap on Henry’s back so he could carry a baby like a papoose. And we’d train Henry to fetch diapers and bottles. Poor Henry. He has no idea the work David has planned for him.
My parents couldn’t have children for the first ten years of their marriage. In fact, even after they had me, the doctors said it was a miracle, and they would never have another. But guess what? I have three younger brothers. I’ve heard my parents’ story so many times (see the post Fifty Facts About Ashley).
Lately what I’ve been remembering about their story is something my mother told me. She said, “If God had given us children when we wanted him to, we would have gotten a divorce. God knew what he was doing.” She said they needed those ten years of marriage to solidify their union. Not that I wasn’t the perfect daughter or anything.
Who knows why God doesn’t want us to have children right now? Maybe it’s so David and I will be a better, stronger couple. Maybe he wants us focused on other things right now. Maybe we need to grow as individuals so we can be better parents in the future. I don’t know. He is God. He is Sovereign.
So, my answer is…
We’ll have a baby when God gives us one.
God’s timing is perfect. You will be the two of the BEST parents, and we can hardly wait until that day. That moment will be all the more precious as you pray for and dream of the future. For now, Prov 3:5-6.
Ashley, what a moving post. I know HOW YOU FEEL! I never thought I could have a child. Doug and I were married for 6 years before I got pregnant. I was very, very ill as well. I was also 35!! So time was quickly running out. Try to be patient with God’s timing. I know how the ache in your heart seems overwhelming. I know how much it hurts to see others with babies…especially like single teenage moms or something… That would break my heart. My NIECE had a baby before me. I do understand your pain. But again, God gave me the most beautiful, brilliant, precious gift of all…my gorgeous son, Jacob. Hang in there!
On a totally different note…can you e-mail me the html code for the blog carnival widget? I have dial-up, and whenever I try to get it it doesn’t work. My blog is on there too…
Thanks! I hope you have a wonderful day!
Thank you, Kerri! How did the pregnancy affect your chronic illness? The only thing that has upset me so far is a few people telling David, “Watch out! It’s catching!” when he was holding a baby. Like babies are a bad thing. Like we don’t want them.
I’ll ask my computer guru to give you the html code for the blog carnival.
I have RA and we can’t have children for the same reason. I’ll be 49 in August, so unless God makes another Isaac, looks like I’m going to be a happy dog mom for a long time! Why don’t people think when they ask questions like that? It’s really a very personal issue that is nobody’s business!
Thanks for sharing Cyndi. Being a dog mom is fun, too!
My in-laws used to ask about babies all the time. I can’t tell you how many times I heard insinuations about having someone to carry on the family name. It was embarassing for my husband who had a low sperm count. Finally I shut them up by saying, “We’re doing our part. It’s up to God now.” What else could my MIL say? Of course, that only embarassed my husband more
Sarah is now four years old. We’ve been married 13 years.
Oh, Jennifer! I love your answer. There are so many funny things you could say to people who keep asking you when you’re going to have a baby or if you’re pregnant. If you’re brave you could say, “I don’t know. Do you have a pregnancy test? Let’s go to the bathroom and find out!”
I’ve never had the nerve for that one.
Congratulations on your daughter!
That must be one of the most frustrating things to have to answer – I’ve never been in your shoes, but I can only imagine how painful it can be some days. I know people have good intentions, but having children is such a personal decision that I think it’s unfair to ask couples. I remember as soon as my first was born all everyone kept asking was when we were going to have another! Seriously – let me get adjusted to the one we have!!!!! Good luck with you and your husband getting healthy! It can be hard not knowing God’s plan, but in the end, you know his plan will be a good one and perfect for both your husband & you!
Happy SITS day!
I was told I would never have children (by an insensitive and apparently uneducated or uninterested doctor). It can be so painful to see other people enjoying a stage of life you wish you were in. You guys sound like a strong couple that can handle stress well. I’m sure that will serve you well no matter what comes your way! Happy SITS day.
I like when God Gives you them, and with my story God had other Plans for me and my David
Like you we both have some serious health concerns and could not get pregnant, infact I doubled up on birthcontrol in fear of getting pregnant and come to find out that as a couple we would never be parents anyway.
The added burden of our two diseases makes it virtually impossible to adopt also. We have been married along time and in some ways this was meant to be, but its a loss, and major one as I come from a family of multiplies.
I have Psoriactic arthritis and autoimmune hives,
my David has other problems that makes for a very long story. I love him and find that at least we have Love between us to get through. Before my illness I had two previous serious bouts that landed me in the hospital for three months. I had thoracic surgery when I was young. As a experienced patient, I find that my creativity keeps me going and knowing that its in Gods Hands.
Best to you
Mary