Helping or Hurting?
27 Apr
It’s always difficult for me to tell if I’m helping or hurting David. He’s in so much pain, and since I’m housewife, sometimes I think I should do everything for him. Then I think, “Wait. He’s going to work. If he can go to work, he can throw his own trash away.”
There are so many things David can’t do because of his arthritis. I don’t want to take away the things he can do, but on a bad day, he really doesn’t want to do anything. He’d rather I do everything. So, I do everything for him, enabling him to lie on the couch all day. Then when he has a good day, he says I’m bossy, and I’m not letting him be his own person. It’s a bit of a struggle determining what I should do to help David and what David should do for himself.
Getting on my hands and knees to reach the Ipod charger cord that fell behind a piece of furniture is helping. Taking care of all the paperwork and bills would be hurting. Giving the dog a bath, which requires squatting or bending at the waist is helping, but brushing the dog is something David can do.
David feels better about himself when he is able to help me and other people. We recently had a work day where our family and friends fixed our retaining wall. David wasn’t able to work on the wall, so he used that time to fix a computer for a family member. David can’t help me pull weeds in the yard, but he did our taxes. Even with a chronic illness, he is still able to contribute in many ways.
How does your chronic illness person contribute? How do make sure you’re helping and not hurting or enabling?
Girl, you have to have really good communication with him. I have been around terminally ill people and I know it is different but when it comes down to it, they would always let me know when it was too much. They tried to hold on to everything “normal” they could. Who would think that someone would actually want to do dishes? Help David by letting him be a man, and expecting him to give 100% and not give up….and have good enough communication and understanding that if he comes to you and is unable to do something, that you are supportive. That is what being a Christian wife is all about, letting God take over and letting David be the man.
Thanks for the advice. Yes, it does take a lot of detailed communication, which is something we’re always working on. David is one of those men who could spend the rest of his life in his office and never say another word to anyone, and he’d be perfectly happy. I’m the typical woman who always wants to talk, so yeah, communication is a challenge for us. Love you! Kiss the kids for me!
i think your husband is letting his disease control him. but i may be off. or it may be depression.. hopefully he finds a solution. you sound like a great wife.