AGHHH!!!
15 Jun
Disclaimer: I’ve been thinking about these things for about a week now. I’m reaching the boiling point. This is just me venting and in an hour or two I’ll feel better. If not, well, David and I see the family doctor tomorrow to discuss our situation, so maybe he’ll prescribe something for me instead of David.
How the heck am I supposed to be a submissive wife? Proverbs 31 says nothing about what you should do when your husband clearly needs medical attention, but refuses to go to the doctor. How is it being a good, submissive Christian wife when I tell him he’s going to the doctor whether he likes it or not? That he’s taking his meds whether he likes it or not? That he has to exercise and eat right and do everything else his doctors say?
I believe we should be obedient to God’s word in all circumstances. But what I am supposed to do? Is it okay for me to be bossy now, and just be submissive when David is healthy? AGHH! I don’t know! Dayna, I am so glad you let me borrow A Wife After God’s Own Heart. I really needed it this week.
Most of the time I feel like I’m fighting David’s arthritis by myself. David’s too tired and sick to fill out financial assistance paperwork. David isn’t up to researching the latest information on Psoriatic Arthritis. Usually I understand that, and I’m okay with it. But not today.
And just for the record, David is a great husband. He has his Biblical role as a husband down pat.
There. Thank you for letting me get that out.
Here’s issue number two. What kind of sick, ignorant people think that all illnesses are caused by poor eating habits and inactivity? Seriously!? Have they never heard of genetic disease? Ugh! And medication is not evil! Sweet potatoes are not going to cure* my husband’s arthritis, moron! Actually, there isn’t really a specific moron that I have in mind. I just read something in a book that made me angry.
Ah. Thank you. I do feel a bit better now. Anyone else have anything they need to vent or complain about? God is good, all the time. Still, I don’t mind weeping with those who weep.
*There is no cure for arthritis. Duh!
Update: After posting this, David asked me to make a few changes. So it would be more politically correct. At first I was aghast. I don’t care if this is politically correct! Then I decided I could be a submissive wife and I made the changes.
Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. I know how tough it is dealing with all the insurance garbage and financial issues…my husband’s work insurance is forcing me to go on Medicare because I’m on disability. The CITY (he works for the city we live in) didn’t say I had to change, the insurance company did, because they’re sick of paying my bills!
As far as the submission goes…I don’t think getting after your husband to take care of himself is not being submissive. I mean, if your husband tells you to do something ungodly you wouldn’t ve submissive right? God’s law trumps your husband’s wishes. And since we are not our own, and are bought for a price, since we are the temple of the Holy Spirit, I’d say you have a RESPONSIBILITY to encourage him (however forcefully!) to take care of himself!
Try to keep your chin up…
Thanks, Kerri! I really appreciate it. I am so sorry you’re having to go on Medicare. How will this affect your treatment?
Barry was right about something he said… He said that fighting arthritis and working a full time job is like having two jobs. Although… as his sister -and you have him read this!
… David needs to start filling out his own paperwork and making his own doctor calls and taking his own medicine. You are there to help if one or two papers slip through the cracks or if he needs you to set up a doctor’s visit every now and then. He is responsible for his health! Whether he wants to take care of himself or not is another issue! 
Be strong Ash.
Something else that was told to me a while ago and something I have learned to do… was to find my emotional safety circle. Think of it as a hoolie hoop. You can’t let someone get so close as to stop your own hooliehoop. When someone in the family is having a hard time with something it should not effect your own personal happiness. With my three boys, I have done better emotionally as I have learned to keep my happy hoolie hoop going – No matter what!
Also… I would keep the “wife” role separate from the “caretaker” roll. Caretakers are there to take total care of you and this role is not appropriate for Ashley at this point in your lives.
I hope that advice helps! When Dave gets a full time job with benefits… It will be a good day for all!
I know you are hurting David. Hang in there things will get better!
… the house selling and job changes are stressful as well…
Love you DASH!
I think that it is perfectly normal to struggle with being a submissive wife. It takes a lot of work and sometimes I fail miserably. I love the book, Passionate Housewives Desperate for God by Chancey & McDonald. It has lots of practical advice and it explains the authors’ struggles to be the ideal wife found in Proverbs 31. Hang in there!
I know what you mean . . . as wives we want to encourage our husbands but we don’t want to be placed into the role of sounding like his mother.
I found this website, listed below, regarding communication skills between men and women. It had some thoughts and ideas. Better communication is something all marriages need.
http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2008/01/why-are-women-so-strange-and-men-so-weird.html
lol
his mother
Hey, Kristy. David doesn’t have the time and energy to fill out all the paperwork and make all the phone calls. He’s in so much pain, and it’s one of the ways I can help him. I’m not a “full time caretaker”, but I do take care of David. He’s doing good to keep working, so pretty much everything else is up to me. I’m just glad I’m not working full time so that I can take care of him. And yeah, we can have joy even when things are bad. Sometimes you just have to sing that old song, “The joy of the Lord is my strength!” We love you, too!
Rachel, thanks for the book recommendation.
Darlene, the name of that website is hilarious! Communication is huge.
Illness can cloud a person’s judgment. Fatigue and pain make us irritable, irrational, irresponsible, and even combative. He needs you to do exactly what you’re doing, whether he thinks so or not. If you stopped, where would he be? It’s not just a submission issue, either. You two have become one flesh and that flesh has to be cared for, even when it’s difficult.
I often tell Daniel that I am his “refinement process.” I say so jokingly, but I know it’s true. Maybe this is part of yours.
I’m kind of rambling here, but the core of it is you have to persist. Being agressive about his care doesn’t mean you’re not submissive. It means you’re keeping your vows and will have a satisfactory answer for God someday when He asks how you handled these trials. Maybe you need to go further. Maybe you need to make the appointments and show up at work to take him. Or find creative ways to reward him when he takes his medication (cookies, X-Box time, massage, etc.).
And it’s okay to go before God in prayer when you’re angry, exhausted, and frustrated. Just don’t stop going to Him with all your needs. When you’re feeling especially tried and in need of strength, post here and on FB that you need prayer NOW and then trust Him to fill you up as we lift you up. Most of us struggle with feelings that He isn’t listening or doesn’t care, but we have to trust Him and His promises and not our own doubts. Take a minute with God now and re-commit to glorifying Him with your role as David’s wife and greatest earthly blessing.
I will commit now to praying for your strength and spirit daily for 30 days. I’m even going to mark it in my bible and on my calendar so I don’t forget! Are you and David praying together over this daily?
Forgive me if I have spoken out of place. You are a beautiful example of how to fill God’s role as a wife and you have many times since you’ve been married caused me to see that I am not the wife I should be and inspired me towards godly change. Vent anytime! I’ll listen and pray!
Dayna, thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words and prayers. David and I are not praying about his health together, just individually. I’m glad you asked. We should start praying about it together.