At a doctor’s office not too far away I was diagnosed with arthritis. At first I was relieved. I had been in pain for several years each year seemingly getting a little worse. I had been in pain so long that I started just living day to day. I would tell myself just make it through today, just make it through the event, make it to bed. I suffered through everything.
Life began to be survival. When I saw the doctor they just thought it was back muscles and would give me muscle relaxers. It would help for a bit, but it would always come back no matter what I did. So when I finally had a full physical, dozens of x-rays, and a bone density scan I was relieved to hear I had arthritis. Kinda funny huh? 
Back to the suffering through the day and life being a survival. I had this pain since high school. I noticed the pain during my sophomore year so it’s been with me for about 8 years, and now I’ve been diagnosed for about one. Being in pain for so long made me forget how life really was. Imagine reading a book while a needle was poking you in the neck. How long would you endure that pain to read that book? How much of that book would you remember? How much enjoyment would you get from reading with a needle stabbing at your neck? Now imaging that the pain is throughout your body and the book is your every waking moment. That was me. Life had gotten really faded and I had little to no hope it was only getting worse, and I didn’t know what to do.
Normally I like to handle everything myself after all I am the man. I’ve got to take care of things. It’s who I am. I try to live a servant life to others. I attempt to fully love others with humbleness and forgiveness. I’m not saying I’m successful but I try. It would be my hope that others would say that was true about me. For some reason not living like that kills me. I love loving others and helping them out where I can. If I disappoint them or can’t help them it kills me. That’s what is so hard about this. I shouldn’t be the one needing help. I am a young 6’5″ 250 lbs 24 year old guy. I should be working my butt off helping others, but instead if I carry a somthing for too long or something too heavy it can aggravate my arthritis. Or doing nothing could still aggravate it. And sometimes when I see a need but can’t help I feel like a jerk for not helping out. I feel slothful and worthless even. I’m a deacon at our church, and there are deacon duties that sometimes I can’t fulfill and that eats at me too! I feel like a hypocrite.
There came to a point where it got so bad I was praying that God take my life. I was begging Him, to tell you the truth. I truly stopped asking to feel better and asked that he end my life all together. Life to me was suffering even in the best moments of my life, even my wedding, was something to make it through not live for. I wanted to get life over with and started wanting that to happen more and more. So that’s why I was happy I was diagnosed with arthritis. It was a hope that I would be treated and cured.
to be continued…
Today’s post was written by David because Ashley is super busy filling out financial assistance paperwork. Please pray that David gets the Humira he needs!
Oh, David, I SO know how you feel! Well, not about the 6’5″ 250 guy…. : ) It’s SO frustrating being young, and having people look at you like, what’s wrong with you? I HATE it when people judge me or think I’m lazy. I love to help others, too. I hate it that my 70 year old mom helps me more than I help her.
Praise God He didn’t end your life…although I understand that prayer, I truly do. Say hi to Ashley, and keep us posted on the Humira! We are praying!
Kerri
I love you. You are a great brother! xo I’m never disappointed…
Son, even though I love you with my whole being, I know that God loves you more. And even though I would give you all that I have, even the cost of my life, God will give you things I can’t. I want you to know that often, throughout the day, I ask Him to give you ALL the things that you need and want. I am praying and thanking God that our prayers will be answered soon! He is ALL powerful, He is ALL loving, and He is ALL knowing. We can trust in Him. When there are dark days, cling to God’s Word for encouragement. Call your family and friends and share your needs. Never be embarrassed about what you can and cannot do. Things could be reversed and it could be any one of us. And if it were, I know that you would be the first to help. You are the best son a mother could ever hope for. I am so proud of you that I cannot hardly contain “what a blessing” “you” have been to me. I love you and am so grateful that God gave you to me. Love, mom
David, I too understand. For the past year I’ve been trying to get a diagnosis. One thing my sister-in-law told me that I try to remember is: when you deny people the opportunity to help you you deny them a blessing. Also, I remember when I was the sickest my sister telling me: I know you are strong enough to get through this. And I know that God is able. In every situation, God is able.
God bless you and Ashley.
David, thanks so much for your post today. I am disabled due to several chronic invisible illnesses. Many people who have not personally experienced debilitating chronic illness may be amazed at how we endure the pain, the losses (career, hobbies, favorite sports, time, financial stability, etc.), loneliness, and the many “new little” losses that we grieve as we realize yet another thing in which we are unable to participate or are unable to do. However, I know what you mean in your blog because NOTHING compares to the grief I feel that I may be letting down my children, husband, parents, siblings, and other family and loved ones, and yes, even the strangers that I wish that I could help. I wonder when I will ever get over this grief, since it must STILL, after all these years, be raw because after reading your whole blog, it was not until I reached Kristy’s two line comment that I burst into tears. Kristy, thank you SO much for telling David you are never disappointed in him. I’m sure it means the world to him. And, Darlene, what a wonderful mom you are, also saying exactly what David needs. I’m also lucky to have a family that understands how hard this aspect of illness is for me, and they too give me words of encouragement. I don’t know why the worry of disappointing everyone, especially my children, persists. I wonder if God is disappointed with me that I still struggle with this. David and Ashley, my prayers are with you and your family. May God bless you, strengthen you, comfort you, and hopefully even heal you both!
Thanks for the encouragement and support. It was hard writing it but I hope it helps those with these issues to know they’re not alone and that it is hard and that others feel this way and your not the only one, that it’s a normal response. I also hope it helps those without these issues to peek into our world and see what’s really going on with us behind our normal maybe even happy seeming persona we strive to put on. That we may in fact be happy and having fun but that it’s tainted with the pain we endure through and for those moments. I appreciate each of you and I love my family which is always there for me and my wife which is my great helper and friend.