Eating My Vegetables

Thanks to my best friend, Maegan, for writing this post! Check out her blog here.

This morning, I didn’t want to get up out of bed. I didn’t want to take care of my dogs. I just wanted to lay there. So I did, and I wondered if I was depressed or if I had a major hormone imbalance. After a few moments of deliberation I decided that, no it wasn’t either of those things.

I really don’t have anything to be upset about. I live in America, the land of the free (unless we let Obama change that) and the home of the brave. I’m loved by family and friends and my wonderful husband. Our marriage is special but it is normal in its imperfection. Sam isn’t perfect and I’m not either. We are just like everyone else, we fight, we cuddle, we do fun things together, we annoy each other and we have amazing sex.

We have two dogs and a cat that bring joy to our lives. We love to love them and take care of them. Ivy (our newest addition) has taken some getting used to but she is so cute it’s hard to stay upset with her.

Sam graduated college this spring and received a promotion at his job enabling me to quit mine and work full time on my book. We don’t have children yet (by choice) so there is no extra pressure to provide for extra mouths.

So what is my deal?

My will is in limbo. I feel like a stretch Armstrong doll who’s about to be pulled in half. I feel like my stretching tolerance level is about to come abruptly to an end and I am going to come to pieces. Has God ever damaged someone from pulling too hard? Probably not, but I want to believe that God is a mean butt hole because it makes my tantrums more justifiable.

You say to yourself, “God doesn’t pull. You must be resisting Him. Your suffering is in your lack of submission to God.” A year ago, I would have thought the same thing. I would have looked at this situation and scoffed. Obviously, that person doesn’t have the spiritual tenacity to withstand the awesome call of God on their lives. They are just not prepared enough, not holy enough, not spiritual enough.

I’m singing quite another tune now. How ignorant of me to think such a thing. True there are times when God asks us to do a simple task and it goes rather roughly because of our lack of submission. However, there are going to be times in my life when there is not enough spirituality to prepare me for things God is going to ask me to do. These times are when God digs way down into my soul and roots out my true human nature. The sin in me that only God can see. And that scares me. There will not be enough prayers or encouraging words. Just tears and brokenness and tears in my soul.

When an athlete works a muscle to make it stronger they tear the muscle to make it grow. God is strengthening my soul by working it, tearing it. Like an athlete pushes his body, God is pushing me to my breaking point by asking me to do something my flesh does not think possible. I thought for sure that we had passed my breaking point long ago but God is showing me something about myself. I’m stronger than I think. A lot stronger.

I have tried to submit myself to this strengthening, to this purification. I have tried to reconcile my soul and my body and my mind and my will but I have failed in every way. I ask myself, “What kind of idiot willingly touches a hot stove over and over?” I have begged God to release me, I have cried and complained and kicked and screamed like a five year old. I’ve told God over and over that I’m not worthy of this task. I’ve begged him to find someone else. I am finally resigned to the fact that I will not be able to make myself in anyway like or be comfortable in this. I told God if He wants me to come out on the other side without a scar he will have to do it for me. He will have to carry me and make a way.
I struggle with the misconception of Christianity. I was under the impression that my life would be a frolic through a meadow full of flowers and puppies and kittens and unicorns instead of a war that would bring me closer to an ultimate peace. It’s not that God didn’t clarify; it is simply that I heard only what I wanted to hear. I can look back and see that everything in my life God has asked me do has been in my best interest. I can see that now in my present circumstance, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Unfortunately, my release from this spiritual strengthening is not happening. It’s not going to happen because it’s like my good friend Ashley says, “Eating your vegetables is not fun but it’s good for you.” God’s strengthening, his purification is like eating my vegetables, not at all fun but in the end it is what will bring me closer to Him. I just never thought eating my vegetables could be so terrible.

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• Visit With Maegan
• Friday Fragments
• Our Trip Home to Dallas